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Becoming Our Own Soulmate

As I worked my way through my intensive, 7-week intimacy course, one thing that was increasingly obvious is how often I have looked to my partners to care for me in a way that I should have been caring for myself. How often do we have a need, want, or desire and believe that it is the responsibility of another to fulfill our requests? How can we ask of another, something we don't even know how to deliver to ourselves? Healing our past wounds and learning to love ourselves the way we need to be loved, is the first step to allow ourselves to love and be loved by others. Until we stop abandoning the parts of ourselves that we are afraid or embarrassed to expose and look at, how can we ever be fully vulnerable and open to deep intimacy and love with another person.

When we begin to sift through all of our trauma and wounds with the intention to heal from a place of peace, love, compassion and grace, we know the road ahead will have bumps, twists and turns, but when we are actually going through it, it can feel scarier and more difficult than anything we have ever done. Believe me, I know first hand!! Deciding to choose a path different than the reactive one we have been conditioned to take, requires intention, patience, and bravery. In these moments, our autonomic nervous system has every cell in our body is screaming to choose the familiar path. Just because the path is familiar and feels safer, doesn't mean it is what's best for us and is often the road to staying stagnant. Change and growth requires pushing ourselves through these moments, making the choice that is in alignment with our deepest values and desires, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

As we choose different, we are teaching our body that it can survive and will be ok trying this new approach to love. Every time we do this, it becomes a little easier the next. We are creating new neurological pathways in the brain and eventually, over time with repetition, this way of thinking and being will become the new normal.

"To find the Beloved, you must become the Beloved."

~ Rumi

The truth is that the connection that we are seeking from others stems from a longing for a deeper connection with our higher self or source. So, how do we become our own soulmate? Honestly, just like any love, it takes consistent work, compassion, tending to, bravery and patience.

We can start by asking ourselves these questions and patiently for the real answers, not the knee jerk, conditioned answers.

  • What are my passions?

  • What are my core values?

  • What are my deepest desires? You know, the ones you only dear to dream about when you are in that happy place.

  • What are my love languages?

  • What nourishes me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

  • What makes me feel seen, heard, and understood?

  • What boundary can I set and uphold that will allow me to feel safe enough to let my walls down?

  • How can I have healthy expectations of others around self-respect?

Once we take the time to truly get to know ourselves, we can then begin to tend to our own needs and live the fulfilling lives we envision for ourselves and those that are in alignment with us will naturally be drawn to us and assist in our deeper know of ourselves.

So, the funny and ironic thing about becoming our own soulmate is that the beliefs we formed of ourselves were actually formed in our relationships with others throughout our lives. We made meaning from our interactions, intimacy and connection with others and then used these thoughts to form beliefs which then formed our personality which is how we show up in our future relationships. How we approach each scenario is now molded by this skewed perspective which then, often times, perpetuate situations, playing them out over and over again as we repeat patterns, only to validate our original negative belief further.

Once we know better and know that those negative formed beliefs are not true, we can begin to show up in new empowered ways which will, in the same fashion, be reinforced as we have experiences that validate our new truths. So, here is the irony. Learning to deeply love, understand and connect with ourselves is only the first step and theoretical. As we know, information is not transformation. To reform our love identity with ourselves, we actually need each other to mirror back to us so we can process these new beliefs through experiences that challenge and validate our new way of being! As we face old challenges and struggles with our new love identity, and choose different, this when things get fun! (I don't know if you sense my sarcasm on that one, but it was there). When we trust ourselves to make the bold choices that we know are best for us, no matter how uncomfortable it feels and we get the pleasure of having our worthiness, power, and deep truths of who we now know ourselves to be, validated. Then and only then, have we begun to rewrite our love identity story.

We are all divine love and when we know and believe in ourselves and our personal strength, we have the ability to show up in challenging moments, in ways that can deepen love rather than destroy it. When we heal ourselves, we heal the world.

All the love,


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