Anger

We all have emotions that are more uncomfortable for us to experience and for me that one has always been anger. There was so much fear attached to feeling angry. Fear that I will appear irrational, fear that I would hurt or push people away, fear that I would be viewed as unlikable, fear that I will resemble the anger I witnessed as a child and would lose respect for myself and that it would make me unlovable. Unfortunately, my avoidance and suppression created experience after experience where I felt as though I was being taken advantage of, walked over or not respected. All along, anger was screaming at me to notice it and claim my healthy boundaries to honor my needs. Instead, I was judgmental and critical of it and associated "managing" my anger with being "more spiritual" or "seeing the big picture from all angles". Yes, all of those are beautiful paths to walk but our higher self never wants us to compromise our integrity, so not tending to our needs when someone crosses a line, is never the healthy choice. How we choose to approach the situation is where the path to balance, maturity and growth can flourish.

My personal relationship with anger had been a challenging one until recently. Through my 7-week, self-discovery course, I developed a new and beautiful partnership with this emotion. Learning to listen to my body, have the compassion and patience to understand that it is trying to tell me something and then honor the wisdom it unveils.

Often, when we feel anger, it is an indication that a boundary has been crossed or there was a loss of personal safety. This is an extremely helpful and supportive emotion. Regardless of whether it's a real or perceived threat, we need to tend to this vulnerable part of ourselves. Anger can have the tendency to get a bad rep and come across as one of the more volatile emotions that needs to be suppressed, when often, it is actually revealing a sadness or softness that we are shielding or guarding. If we take the time to ask our anger, how old are you then notice where we feel it in our bodies, we can connect with the message it is sending us and begin the work of healing and moving forward. Being with our feeling instead of becoming it, will allow us to take the road of growth.

Anybody can become angry-that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

~ Aristotle

The other side of the spectrum is when we allow anger to impulsively react and make our choices for us. When we take the time to slow down, check in with ourselves and decide what the healthiest, most balanced way to move forward is, we are using the information to support our growth and evolution. The other day, in a conversation about anger, a perspective was pointed out to me that often, we can and should allow people the grace and understanding of a mistake or a first time offense but once we have voiced our needs, wants, desires and boundaries and they are repeatedly disregarded or dismissed, that is when we can feel our dear friend bubbling up inside us, letting us know that it is time to speak up for ourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes when we have had our boundaries and safety crossed in our past, it is all too easy for a similar situation to trigger our sympathetic nervous system, get the best of us, and we punish people for the sins of others. When we react to anger with anger, it only intensifies the feeling. When we meet our anger with grace and the desire to understand where it is coming from, we can almost immediately feel the tension in our body begin to soften because we are initiating self-care and our anger feels seen and heard.

The truth is that too many people in this world are going to push our boundaries and see how far we will bend (click here to check out my boundaries blog if you have yet!). We can't blame them; it is up to us to know our core values like a dear friend and live them strong and true so that when a boundary gets crossed we can trust ourselves to restore the balance.

When we dig deep, often we resent and are angriest at ourselves because we have allowed ourselves to either be exposed to the experience or that we did not speak up in a way that honors our authentic self.

• What if the next time we felt anger creeping up within us, we held softness for ourselves and understood that we need compassion and understanding in this moment?

• What if we didn't judge, criticize, or try to rationalize the surfacing emotion and just allowed the sensation to flow through our body unimpeded and listen to what it is telling us?

• What if we asked our anger what boundary was violated or loss of personal safety did we suffer that is causing this feeling?

• What if we asked ourselves how we might have allowed this behavior or situation into our lives?

• What if we asked our anger what action is needed from us to restore safety, well-being, integrity, and balance?

• What if we used this information to commit to making choices and changes that establish firm boundaries to restore personal safety into our lives that align with our authentic truth?

• What if we then breathed into the sensations and trusted ourselves enough to know that we will now hold ourselves in a higher regard, allowed forgiveness for those involved, including ourselves and released the hold it had on us?

May we honor our anger and allow it to become our guide to security, self-trust, and self-respect.

All the Love,

Pamela

Emotional Integration Tools

When embarking on a journey of healing, Emotional Integration Tools can serve as a supportive guide when we begin unveiling the roots of our emotions. When we understand the origins of our feelings, we have clarity that helps prevent our thoughts and perceptions from being skewed by emotions or past experiences. It's important to understand that this integration process doesn't promise an instantaneous perfect life, or that your emotions or past struggles will effortlessly become manageable. The path of emotional integration is ever evolving and continuous. It's also helpful to keep in mind that growth and transformation is never linear. Moments of strong momentum and progress might be followed by setbacks or resistance. When we can meet ourselves where we are with self-compassion and patience, we become a gentle guide on this self improvement journey. As we navigate life from a more conscious perspective, recognizing old patterns, if we allow for it, emotional integration can be an incredibly powerful tool, reshaping our relationship with emotions and fundamentally transforming our approach to life and the people we share it with.

As promised in my last blog on Emotional Intelligence, (Click here to read it if you missed it!) this week I'm going to share some tangible tools! The process of emotional integration involves navigating and understanding our emotions, aiming for a final step where we integrate these emotions into our interactions with ourselves and others. This integration requires identifying and accepting our emotions, discovering their roots, and using this understanding to heal any overwhelming power they may have over us.

A key aspect of emotional integration is connecting with the body and interpreting its signals. The body communicates challenges through constrictions in specific areas like the throat, heart, or stomach. These constrictions serve as signals to pause, connect with inner knowing and intuition, and address underlying needs or desires.

Embracing emotional integration doesn't imply making problems disappear; instead, it involves recognizing when we're reacting based on old patterns and then making the choice to take action or non-action from a place of self-awareness. This process empowers us to make conscious choices. When our emotions align with our actions, it prevents falling into unconscious living and promotes balance in various aspects of life, including decision-making, relationships, and communication. If we possess the tools and willingness to work towards greater consciousness, our actions can contribute to creating a more balanced emotional life.

“Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind.”

~ Bruce Lee

Taken directly from my Coach Training at IIN, these Tools for Emotional Integration, developed by transformation coach Cynthia James, MA, can serve as a map or support system when we are navigating challenging moments.

Each tool is specifically designed to aid us in processing our emotions and subsequently moving forward with enhanced connection and clarity.

Tool 1: I am Enough

Embracing Self-Worth

Explore any root feelings of inadequacy, doubt, or pain. Identify where they live in

your body and then practice positive affirmations using these steps:

• Think about someone or something that challenges your faith in yourself or

your abilities.

• Identify where this feeling may live in your body (sometimes indicated by a

feeling of tightness or constriction).

• Write down the feelings associated with that tightness.

• Imagine the person or thing challenging you is in a field of peace and love.

Speak to them while you show loving compassion to yourself:

• “Even though I feel this way, I am enough.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am lovable.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am important.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I am not alone.”

• “Even though I feel this way, I matter.”

• Repeat this until you begin to feel your body calm. Visualize the person or thing

disappearing into the field. It may take a few tries, but don’t give up.

As you practice, you’ll discover that you eventually become more connected to the affirmations than the emotions involved. The area of the body that felt constricted may also become lighter and, eventually, relax.

Tool 2: This Does Not Belong To Me

Releasing External Burdens.

Release any limiting beliefs or challenging life experiences you’re having difficulty

letting go of with this exercise:

• Think about the current challenge and identify the part of the body that feels

the tightest or most constricted.

• Describe the event and the feeling(s) or belief(s) attached to this experience.

It’s helpful to write them down.

• Ask yourself, “Who would I be without this feeling or pain? What would life look

like? How would I feel?” Say or write down the response.

• Recognize how powerful life would be without the challenge.

• Review the list of feelings you wrote down, one at a time. Identify each one by

naming it aloud. Then say, “This does not belong to me.”

• Do this for each item on the list. Remember to speak with confidence and self support.

• When you’re finished, scan your body, reflecting on how each part feels now

that the old energy is gone. Some feelings or experiences may take longer than

others; keep repeating the exercise until the constriction lifts.

Tool 3: Possibility Energy

Embracing New Energy

Once an old energy is cleared, invite a new energy of possibility to fill the space of

the unwanted energy by moving through these steps:

• Ask yourself, “How would I feel without the old pain? And how would life look if

I were happy, joyous, free, and abundant?”

• Invite the new energy of possibility to fill the space where the old energy lived.

• Create a list of these possibilities as they come up for you.

• Claim power and speak aloud if you can. Use positive possibility words, like “I

am powerful. I am strong. I am clear. I am extraordinary.” Repeat this as often as

needed, encouraging your confidence levels by lifting your voice if you have to.

• Check in and notice the difference in how your body feels and how you

perceive the challenge now.

• Use this assessment of your mind-body connection to create awareness of

which feelings elicit positive physical sensations and note that you may have to

do this exercise repeatedly to anchor the shift in your perceptions.

Whenever possible, process these tools out loud to a trusted friend or in a journal where you can later reflect on your experience and witness yourself and your transformation.

As a Lifestyle Coach, one of the most rewarding processes I get to witness is helping people see that they have the power to balance their lives, mind, and body. Tending to the four dimensions of health can have longer lasting effects on all aspects of our overall wellness, not just one area. By grounding into our bodies, tuning in to our emotions, and connecting to the present moment, we can connect to the core of our authentic being and support ourselves from a place of love and compassion.

All the love,

Pamela

Emotional Intelligence (EI)

Let's be real. Life has just as many challenging moments as it does, basic or joyful ones. No one is exempt from the struggles that present themselves on a regular basis, even me, (though if you know me, I sometimes try my hardest to pretend they don't haha). How we handle these tough situations is everything. Emotional Intelligence is key to move forward in healthy and productive ways. The subtleties of our emotions offer valuable insights. Embracing and understanding our emotions as they surface is an important piece in the journey toward our holistic well-being. Much like how lab testing can pinpoint physical health issues, there are tools and practices available to delve into the core of emotions that can hinder our optimal self. (That is another blog all in itself!!) These resources are crafted to guide us through the exploration and integration of emotions, empowering us to navigate each day with heightened awareness and intentional choices. It's a holistic approach that recognizes the interconnectedness of physical and emotional well-being on the path to overall health.

As I have gotten older, since having kids and even furthermore, in the last 3 years, my understanding and value of emotional intelligence, especially in the areas of conflict management and communication, has dramatically increased. First and foremost, being able to witness and understand our feelings without identifying with them or denying them, and then recognize how they affect our thoughts and actions is a huge step to a more balanced and self-aware way of connecting with and relating to the world around us and in turn creating the life we envision for ourselves. Being able to notice when we are on a triggered pattern of thinking, pause and choose differently, can be the first pebble thrown, that will create the ripple effect in the life we see manifest before us.

The next layer is, while we can't change the behavior of others, being able to identify the emotions behind their behavior, we can have a better understanding of where they are coming from and how to best interact with them.  Having an intricate understanding of emotional intelligence, doesn't translate to being able to easily implement the five key elements when we are in a moment of emotional overwhelm. However, when we are able to look at these moments as opportunities for growth, while the feelings we are no doubt experiencing feel crippling and not easily escaped, we can feel good about our decisions to meet ourselves where we are and make choices that bring us closer to our authentic self and allow our transformation to unfold.

“When emotional intelligence merges with spiritual intelligence, human nature is transformed.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Emotional Intelligence (EI) The ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you.

There are five key elements to EI:

1. Self-awareness: The conscious recognition and understanding of one's own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and characteristics. It involves the ability to introspect and reflect on one's actions, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, and values. Here, we can feel and name our feelings.

2. Self-regulation: Refers to the ability to manage and control one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in various situations. It involves the capacity to regulate impulses, resist distractions, and maintain focus on goals. Here we don't run away, accept, and know that it is ok to feel this way. We can manage using self-soothing or coping skills to embrace or defuse the feeling we have identified.

3. Motivation: In the context of emotional intelligence, refers to the ability to harness and channel one's emotions to drive and sustain positive behavior. It involves a deep understanding of one's personal values, desires, and long-term goals, and the capacity to use emotions as a source of energy and commitment. When we are driven to pursue goals for personal reasons as opposed to some kind of reward (External motivation).

4. Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves not only recognizing the emotions someone else is experiencing but also being able to comprehend the perspective from which those emotions arise. Empathy encompasses the capacity to tune into others' emotional states, show genuine concern for their well-being, and respond with sensitivity. When we can recognize and understand others' motivations.

5. Social skills: Refers to the ability to navigate and manage relationships effectively. It involves understanding social dynamics, adapting communication styles to different situations, and demonstrating interpersonal finesse. Individuals with strong social skills can build rapport, communicate persuasively, and resolve conflicts diplomatically. This aspect of emotional intelligence includes qualities such as active listening, clear communication, and the ability to pick up on social cues. When we share with loved ones what we are experiencing and check in on their feelings as well.

Now, here is where things get really interesting. Intelligence is information in the brain. Emotional intelligence doesn't automatically translate to emotional intimacy until these learned skills and behaviors are put into action! The experience of emotional intimacy is completely different than just learning about it. This is where the integration and transformation take place. Once we are more emotionally aware, we must then take the dive deeper and explore true vulnerable uninhibited emotional intimacy, which if you are anything like me, can be the scariest yet most rewarding thing you've ever experienced. We all feel different levels of comfort with the different facets of intimacy; mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. When we have the tools and practices that keep us balanced and grounded while exploring new depths of any intimacy, the journey can be slightly smoother, but will always be tumultuous and challenging in some sense because change and transformation always feels uncomfortable. Deciding to choose growth and expansion comes with its own Kind of struggles and discomfort but comes with ever greater rewards.

• What if the next time we felt an uncomfortable emotion, we paused, took a deep breath, and said to ourselves, right now, I feel (fill in the feeling) in my body, from a place of non-judgmental witnessing, instead of identifying that we are the feeling or even worse, criticizing ourselves for feeling that way?

• What if when we felt the impulse to find an escape or distraction from a feeling that we judge as "bad", we closed our eyes, noticed where it lived in our body and wondered how old this feeling was and then asked ourselves what we need in order to feel cared for, safe and nurtured?

• What if we relaxed into the knowing that these uncomfortable moments are a necessary part of our journey of self discovery and to not delve in, would be denying ourselves a large part of the experience?

• What if when we found ourselves in an uncomfortable emotion, we relaxed with a deep exhale and said to ourselves, "I let go of what is no longer serving me and I am open to what is" and trusted that everything is working out exactly how it should be.

What you are feeling matters. You deserve to feel seen and heard, first and foremost, by yourself. I send you love on your journey exploring the uncharted waters of your soul's journey to find love, peace and connection.

All the love,

Pamela